12 weeks and ectopic grief

I took a little break from blogging and it's good to be back!  I'm officially 13 weeks and 4 days pregnant and below is my 12 week post. 

It's been a year since the ectopic, yet it seems like just yesterday when we went to the ER on my birthday.  On J's b-day (4 days before mine), I struggled with thoughts and images that were resurfacing.  A year ago, we didn't know we were pregnant and in the midst of taking an online Special Education class and cooking for J's birthday party, I was bleeding for about a week and a half.  The day of J's b-day, I had awful cramps and didn't feel well.  I debated on whether or not I should cancel J's party in the evening, but I didn't want to waste all the food I had cooked the night before.  I called my friends to get their advice and they offered to take care of everything, so I could sit and rest.  The party went on and J had a good time!

Cooking food is one of my love languages and for J's birthday this year, I wanted to cook him something special for dinner, but I couldn't do it.  Instead, I jumped into bed and curled up into a ball.  When J came home from work he found me in our room and we talked about what I was feeling.  J said we were going out to dinner and for me to get ready.  After one more attempt at jumping into bed, I complied.  Getting out of bed and out of the house was exactly what I needed to stop myself from delving further into self-pity and "woe is me" behavior.   At dinner, J surprised me by taking next Thursday and Friday off so we could get away for my birthday.  I was so happy and had something to look forward to!  J knows and cares for me so well. 

The next day, J picked a movie to watch and I joined in after the washing dishes.  The movie was about a cancer patients diagnosis, treatment, relationships, and healing.  The operating scene triggered some bad memories from my ectopic surgery last year and I cried so much that I gave myself a headache.  Ugh!  The pregnancy makes me weepy in general and sobbing uncontrollably is probably not good for the baby.  So, I decided against looking inside my memory box this year and I was at peace with the decision.

I remember looking at the clock during certain occurrences through out the day, like the time when my tube probably ruptured, when we left for the hospital, and before entering into surgery.  The "firsts" are the hardest and I wonder if it'll get any easier.  I'll still miss them, cry over them, and look forward to the day I get to be with them.  My only comfort is knowing that Jesus understands because he is a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief who wanted to pay it all, and was abandoned for us, so that we might live.  "God never promises to remove us from our struggles.  He does promise, however, to change the way we look at them."  -Max Lucado 

The grieving process started a few days early as it led up to my birthday and I just wanted normalcy so I went out to lunch with a friend and went to home group in the evening.  It was good to be around friends all day!  The next morning, we left for VA beach for a few days and met up with friends in DC for lunch on the way home.  We had a nice little getaway. 

11 weeks!

Total Weight Loss/Gain:  Forgot to weigh myself this morning.

Sleep:  Some nights are better than others, but it's mostly good sleep.  I get up at least once a night to use the bathroom and easily fall back asleep.  I try to sleep on my side since I read the baby gets better blood flow, but I tend to wake up on my back side every middle of the night and morning.  When I felt the weight from OHSS, I was able to sleep on my side for the most part, but now that the fluid is gone, I'm not used to sleeping on my side.  As I get bigger, I assume I'll be able to stay put on my side. 

Movement: Not yet, but can't wait for this to happen!

Cravings/Aversions:  I'm craving more fruit...esp. citrus fruits like oranges and grapefruit.  No food aversions. I'm completely over coffee!  I love the smell of coffee, which triggers my brain to have a cup, but I'm not enjoying it like I used to because it still tastes bitter after adding some sugar and cream.  Instead, I opt for black tea with sugar and cream and it reminds me of coffee. 

Symptoms: Feeling tired, hungry, and certainly more weepy.  J and I watched The Vow and Bridge to Terabithia and I balled, which is not like me.  The Masters was held on Easter and Bubba Watson won with an awesome recovery shot.  He cried after his last putt and I was crying with him.  Witnessing his emotional win and hearing his story about recently becoming a dad through adoption kept the tears rolling.  Here's a snip-it from an article about the Masters:

On Sunday night, Bubba Watson flew home to the Orlando area to share his amazing win with his wife and new adopted baby, Caleb. The adoption process, which took four years, had been difficult for Bubba and his wife, Angie.

They had asked for prayers from their friends on tour through the process. They had been turned down by another adoption agency on the Monday of Bay Hill. But a few days later they accepted a baby boy through a California adoption agency called Chicks in Crisis.

"It's just we knew that we had to adopt back when we first started dating. The first date me and Angie ever had, she told me she was going to have to adopt, she couldn't have kids and I said, "That's fine.' I said, 'If God tells us he wants us to adopt, we'll adopt,'" Bubba said Sunday.

Disappointment. Disbelief. Belief. Joy.

Year after year the Masters nurtures all these conditions. Some lay dormant while others grow and blossom like a newborn baby. The arc isn't closed on the careers of Tiger, Rory, Phil or Sergio. They will have many more chances at green jackets. They will realize some of their dreams.

Perhaps the best line of the tournament came from Bubba shortly after his win. "I've never had a dream go this far," he said.

But he had faith that something great would happen for him. That's belief and joy.

Farrell Evans covers golf for ESPN
http://m.espn.go.com/golf/story?w=1bnwh&storyId=7788641&disableShare=true&adBlock=block&i=SC&hidePageFooter=true&hidePageHeader=true&wjb

What I miss: Golf season's in full swing and I'm missing out this year because of lower back pain.  I went to the range last week or so and it was nice to hit the ball again, but it triggered some pain.  If I walk too much, I feel it too.  J's playing again and I'm glad he's playing with his friends, but I miss playing with him.  For us, spending 4.5 - 5 hours on the golf course together and having lunch after a round was quality time.  Plus, I always played my best game with J.   Below is a clip from our last golf vacation in Hilton Head during New Year's.  I wanted to get away before starting IVF and I'm so glad we did!

What I look forward to:
I'm looking forward to J's birthday on Saturday...of course, he's playing golf!  My birthday is on the 18th, but it's also the one year anniversary of our ectopic so it's bitter-sweet.  I'll write about that in another post.   April 19 is when I'm officially off of PIO (progesterone in oil) shot, Vivelle (estrogen) patches, and metformin (blood sugar medicine).  Yahoo! 

Milestones: According to babycenter.com:  our baby is just over 1 1/2 inches long and about the size of a fig, is now almost fully formed. Her hands will soon open and close into fists, tiny tooth buds are beginning to appear under her gums, and some of her bones are beginning to harden.
She's already busy kicking and stretching, and her tiny movements are so effortless they look like water ballet. These movements will become more frequent as her body grows and becomes more developed and functional. You won't feel your baby's acrobatics for another month or two — nor will you notice the hiccupping that may be happening now that her diaphragm is forming.

10 weeks!

Total Weight Loss/Gain:  5lbs.

Sleep:  I sleep well, but my hands and arms sometimes feel numb depending on my position.

Movement: Not yet.

Cravings/Aversions:  I like to eat anything that's available!  No food aversions.

Symptoms: Still tired and hungry... that's about it. 

What I miss: I'm content. 

What I look forward to: I'm SO looking forward to April 19 when I'm officially off of PIO (progesterone in oil) shot and my Vivelle (estrogen) patches.  I started to decrease my meds last night on Thursday, April 5.  My normal dose for patches are 2 and it went down to 1!  It'll go up to 2 again on some days, then 1, and 0 on others.  My bum is pretty angry at this point.  Lately, the PIO shots have started to burn for a few seconds and the patches have caused some skin irritations since it's been a while.  I'm so glad the weening process started and cannot wait until I'm shot and patch free!

Milestones: According to babycenter.com:  our baby is barely the size of a kumquat — a little over an inch or so long, crown to bottom — and weighs less than a quarter of an ounce, our baby has now completed the most critical portion of his development. This is the beginning of the so-called fetal period, a time when the tissues and organs in his body rapidly grow and mature.  He's swallowing fluid and kicking up a storm. Vital organs — including his kidneys, intestines, brain, and liver (now making red blood cells in place of the disappearing yolk sac) — are in place and starting to function, though they'll continue to develop throughout your pregnancy.  Inside the womb, tiny nails forming on fingers and toes (no more webbing) and peach-fuzz hair beginning to grow on tender skin.  In other developments: our baby's limbs can bend now. His hands are flexed at the wrist and meet over his heart, and his feet may be long enough to meet in front of his body. The outline of his spine is clearly visible through translucent skin, and spinal nerves are beginning to stretch out from his spinal cord. Our baby's forehead temporarily bulges with his developing brain and sits very high on his head, which measures half the length of his body. From crown to rump, he's about 1 1/4 inches long. In the coming weeks, our baby will again double in size — to nearly 3 inches.

Medical concerns:  None. 

1st Trimester U/S @ 9 weeks, 5 days

Tonight, we had an evening u/s appointment at the hospital and everything went smoothly.  We saw the baby, the heart beat, and the baby move!  Unfortunately, we didn't get to hear the heart beat since the machine didn't have a doppler, but the tech measured the baby's heart beat at 157 bpm (beats per minute), which is good!  The baby grew so much since our last u/s and actually looked more human!  Seeing the heart beat thump so quickly was unreal and amazing at the same time. I looked over at J and the look on his face was priceless because having a baby was becoming more real to him.  It was nice to see him a bit more moved by this u/s.  :)

The surface u/s wasn't too bad, but the pressure hurt sometimes since my bladder wasn't completely full.  I need to drink more water next time around.  An internal u/s was needed to measure my ovaries and cysts.  The tech could tell I had OHSS without mentioning it and measured 3 cysts on each ovary.  The internal took a while and I eventually felt some lower back pain, but it was over soon enough.  Thankfully, my ovaries won't be checked in the 2nd u/s.  

Our tech was super nice and gave us a long list of pictures instead of the typical 1 or 2 shots.  While looking at the scroll of u/s pics, I felt elated with joy, humbled by God's awesomeness, and couldn't believe there's an actual life growing inside!  My tech said we could leave with a CD of the images if we asked for it and we jumped at the opportunity to have it all on file.  She made a call to the X-ray/Data file room and the CD was ready in 5 mins.  When we came home, we ate another dinner, and looked at our little miracle.