Uncontrollable tears

I went to church this morning at New Life Dresher and sat towards the front of the sanctuary.   Pastor John Gullett spoke about A Kingdom that can't be Shaken.  It isn't posted yet on the church website, but it will be.  Why the tears?  I'm sad, discouraged, and lack faith. I've been wresting with identity issues, fear, and haven't accepted the cup that's been handed to me.  Bottom line is that I've been  questioning God's love for me lately.  I know the truth, but my heart is constantly doubting.  I identify with "Doubting Thomas" who needed to see the marks on Jesus' resurrected hands and a "Sinking Peter" who walked on water with Jesus.   

I didn't take notes today because I felt like I just needed to listen and a few things resonated.  The sermon is from Hebrews 12:18, The Mountain of Fear and the Mountain of Joy.  The pastor of Hebrews is writing his people who want to go back to their old ways and convert back to Judaism.  The message is to remind the readers that what they have NOW is far better than anything they had before Christ.  He warned them not to trust or pursue things that can be shaken, but to focus on the ONE who is not shakeable.  Deep!  The question posed to the congregation at New Life was, "What are the ultimates in my life?"... my treasures, my non-negotiables.  I find my ultimates in all of the above!  I find my identity in work, family, and children.  I have been shaken to the core by my infertility, losses, and ongoing grief so much that I wanted to wail in church this morning.  I felt like Hannah who was praying at church because her womb was closed and Eli, the priest, thought she was drunk because in her deep anguish she was weeping bitterly.   That's me!  I kept it together, but it was HARD because the truth of the gospel was literally cutting my heart so much that my body began to shake.  After the sermon, John came by and gave me a hug.  I thanked him for the sermon and said I was embarrassed for crying so much during his sermon.  John shared that he cried too, yesterday, and that was comforting.   The truth of the gospel will produce the fruit of tears. 
James and I usually go out to lunch with our friends after church, but I had to go home so I could process some more and let it all out to the Lord without restaint.  I was free to cry in the comforts of home, we talked about the sermon, and James prayed for me.  There are no words to express the pain I feel and I'm thankful that my husband intercedes for me when he prays.  James verbalizes what I can't when I despair.  The Ahns wept, Jesus collected our tears, and we're comforted once again.   It's such a process. 
We press on in faith and keep moving forward despite the obstacles.  God isn't disappointed with me when I doubt him.  It doesn't mean that I don't know him.  He can handle any doubt.  He wants me to have faith in him...faith even as small as a mustard seed.

"One of the facets of a sound Christian faith is to level with God about your doubts or disbelief, your lack of wisdom or strength.  God can withstand tough, honest prayers.  I try to face my doubts and fears forcefully with confidence that God will forgive me."  - Former President Jimmy Carter