12 weeks and ectopic grief

I took a little break from blogging and it's good to be back!  I'm officially 13 weeks and 4 days pregnant and below is my 12 week post. 

It's been a year since the ectopic, yet it seems like just yesterday when we went to the ER on my birthday.  On J's b-day (4 days before mine), I struggled with thoughts and images that were resurfacing.  A year ago, we didn't know we were pregnant and in the midst of taking an online Special Education class and cooking for J's birthday party, I was bleeding for about a week and a half.  The day of J's b-day, I had awful cramps and didn't feel well.  I debated on whether or not I should cancel J's party in the evening, but I didn't want to waste all the food I had cooked the night before.  I called my friends to get their advice and they offered to take care of everything, so I could sit and rest.  The party went on and J had a good time!

Cooking food is one of my love languages and for J's birthday this year, I wanted to cook him something special for dinner, but I couldn't do it.  Instead, I jumped into bed and curled up into a ball.  When J came home from work he found me in our room and we talked about what I was feeling.  J said we were going out to dinner and for me to get ready.  After one more attempt at jumping into bed, I complied.  Getting out of bed and out of the house was exactly what I needed to stop myself from delving further into self-pity and "woe is me" behavior.   At dinner, J surprised me by taking next Thursday and Friday off so we could get away for my birthday.  I was so happy and had something to look forward to!  J knows and cares for me so well. 

The next day, J picked a movie to watch and I joined in after the washing dishes.  The movie was about a cancer patients diagnosis, treatment, relationships, and healing.  The operating scene triggered some bad memories from my ectopic surgery last year and I cried so much that I gave myself a headache.  Ugh!  The pregnancy makes me weepy in general and sobbing uncontrollably is probably not good for the baby.  So, I decided against looking inside my memory box this year and I was at peace with the decision.

I remember looking at the clock during certain occurrences through out the day, like the time when my tube probably ruptured, when we left for the hospital, and before entering into surgery.  The "firsts" are the hardest and I wonder if it'll get any easier.  I'll still miss them, cry over them, and look forward to the day I get to be with them.  My only comfort is knowing that Jesus understands because he is a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief who wanted to pay it all, and was abandoned for us, so that we might live.  "God never promises to remove us from our struggles.  He does promise, however, to change the way we look at them."  -Max Lucado 

The grieving process started a few days early as it led up to my birthday and I just wanted normalcy so I went out to lunch with a friend and went to home group in the evening.  It was good to be around friends all day!  The next morning, we left for VA beach for a few days and met up with friends in DC for lunch on the way home.  We had a nice little getaway. 

March ICLW

Welcome ICLW (International Comment Leaving Week) bloggers and friends!  Earlier this year, DH (darling husband) and I started icsi ivf after multiple losses and an ectopic last year in April.  I'm thankful to have a bfp (big fat pregnancy) and am currently 7w6d pregnant with a singleton.  I was released from my RE (reproductive endocrinologist) on March 15 and will meet with a NP (nurse practioner) on March 27 at the OB's office.  I've had excellent care with my RE and am told that seeing an OB is an entirely different experience.  I'll soon find out how the next chapter will unfold and am enjoying each day we have with our baby. 

Whether you're ttc your 1st, 2nd, or 3rd...it's a process in the presence of ALI (adoption, loss, and infertility) and my roller-coaster ride is with loss and IF.  With the 1st anniversary of our ectopic coming up next month, my grief is beginning to resurface.  Being pregnant helps in that I won't despair, but it doesn't mean that I've forgotten my losses and that I'm miraculously cured from my grief.  I'll grieve the ectopic as I look through the memory box I made last year to remember my child who was growing in my left tube.  I tear up just thinking about it. 

I gather some bloggers who stop by may be hesitant to engage with me because I'm pregnant.  I'm not offended and completely understand.  I've walked in your shoes and will face IF again since I have PCOS and Hypothyroid and would like to grow our family.  If you're worried that I'm going to complain about my pregnancy, you won't hear complaints from me.

This is my 1st time participating in ICLW and I look forward to getting to know you better.  Thanks for visiting and taking a look around.  I certainly can't make it on my own, am proof that there's hope, and "with God all things are possible."  Praying you get your bfp or approved adoption!

ectopic

Below is an email I wrote to a friend soon after my ectopic.  She experienced an ectopic pregnancy as well and I had a friend I could go to with questions, thoughts, and a shared experience. 

April 28, 2011

Physically, I am feeling stronger each day, but emotionally, I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride.  As we grieve, we're leaning on the Lord for his comfort, strength and peace that surpasses all understanding. I wanted to share more details with you that I didn't share on the home group site. 

Monday afternoon (my birthday), I experienced the worst pain imaginable.  I took some medicine and it helped take the pain away.  When James came home from work, he took me to Abington Hospital.  The resident doctor did some blood work and informed us that we were pregnant.  My pregnancy hormone was 760!  I never reached that level before and was in complete shock since we were on a break from trying to conceive.  I took a bed ride to get a pelvic and internal ultrasound to find out the location of the baby.  I asked the tech if she saw anything and said that she didn't see anything in my uterus.  After hearing those words, I didn't ask anymore questions.  Once I was rolled back to my room, things moved very quickly.  They told me I had an ectopic pregnancy, I needed emergency surgery,  and had me sign a consent form just in case I needed a blood transfusion.   During my stay, a couple things happened which made me nervous about the night shift staff, but once I met my surgeon, she put me to ease and I finally felt like I was in capable hands.

I entered the operating room around 1:30-2 am and the surgery took 1-1.5 hours.  The nurses woke me up from surgery and I said, "I just played with my kids in heaven".  One nurse said, "Aww, did you hear that?" and the other nurse replied, "yes".  I honestly can't remember any details, but those were the first words out of my dry mouth.  I couldn't open my eyes because they were glued shut by dried tears and swollen eyes, but I could hear the nurses talking to me and their voices sounded familiar to me...one nurse had the voice of a friend from work and the other nurse sounded like a friend from griefshare.  The dream and familiar voices were comforting to me.

After sleeping for an hour or so, the doctor came in and showed me some amazing pictures of the surgery.   It turns out that I had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy.  The doctor cut a slit where my baby had attached to my left filopian tube, removed my baby, and tried to seal it together by burning it, but the bleeding wouldn't stop.  After a couple attempts to stop the bleeding, there was too much damage done to the tube, so they had to remove it.  My right filopian tube had twisted due to blood flowing into my stomach cavity and the surgeon suctioned out as much blood as possible.   Thankfully, both my ovaries are OK, my uterus looks healthy and they were able to untwist my right tube.  The surgeon recommends we try invitro to bypass another ectopic pregnancy in the future.

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God is healing me of this traumatic experience...it's slow, but it's happening.  Every time I go back to this memory scene, I feel saddness, pain, and hurt.  I have formed judgements about life and how I'm treated during difficult and traumatic experiences.  It's very easy to despair and fall into self-pity and woe is me when things go awfully wrong that are out of your control.  I invite Jesus into this memory scene and I see his hand on me that day and he was merciful and gracious.  The physical pain I felt was like none other.  I pulled at my hair just so I could focus on another part of my body.  Unfortunately, it didn't help.  I was crying out to God in my pain and anguish and told him that I wanted to die just so the pain would go away. My dad came over with 400 mg. of Motrin, I quickly ate something, swallowed the medicine, and within a minute the pain faded.  It was amazing!  A medicine never worked that quickly before to rid me of my cramps and the resident doctor confirmed the dosage wasn't enough to ward off the pain of an ectopic, but it did for me because Jesus took away my distress. Jesus intervened and spared me from prolonged physical suffering.   I waited for James to come home from work and he took me to the ER. I was physically without pain the entire evening.  Jesus grieved during my surgery because he hates death and said, "It is finished".  My baby was removed and it was over. God gave me a special gift for my birthday...to play with my kids in heaven!  As the nurses were waking me up from surgery and though it was difficult to speak, I had to share the good news that my kids are in heaven and I got to know them.  I have hope because I know where they are and I'll be there some day to spend eternity with them and my heavenly father.